


The Worst Carnival

by TitanFodder



Category: Final Fantasy XII
Genre: Angst and Feels, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-17
Updated: 2015-04-17
Packaged: 2018-03-23 10:01:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3763924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TitanFodder/pseuds/TitanFodder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vaan reflects his pain and love for the sky pirate Balthier. Song lyrics by JubyPhonic. "The Worst Carnival", by Vocaloid. Rating subject to change, angst and romance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Worst Carnival

"Thrown to the ground like they were trash at your feet  
All the letters I wrote you, love you’re turning your back to  
I’ve heard it said that burning love doesn’t last  
Still kind of shocked it blew away so fast"

As the rain hit the window, leaving its cadenced sound and its cold gray patterns behind, Vaan leaned against the glass, letting his gaze wander the smoky sky that covered the entirety of Rabanastre. It was lonely nights like this that made him want to cry. Balthier was never really around, and the letters he sent were few and disappointing. It was wrong, yes, for Balthier and Vaan to be together, and because of Balthier’s fear of getting in trouble, he never really wanted to say what Vaan wanted to hear.

"Just gonna stand there or have something to say?  
Oh don’t let me be the hold up when you’re dying to move on  
I know the story and it plays out like this  
Soon you’ll be gone to search for someone else"

It was painful. Vaan hated his weakness, and he hated how it seemed that Balthier knew all he had to do was snap his fingers and he’d come running. Maybe it was because he knew that he could have Vaan whenever he wanted that he didn’t try harder with the blonde. And maybe it was for that reason that Balthier never wanted to risk anything to say those words to Vaan. He felt worthless to the pirate, as if Balthier would be okay if Vaan just disappeared.

"Left behind, again I’m think of sky  
How I loved to watch daytime fly by  
Laughing smiles passing through annoy me  
Can’t keep down this demon glaring"

He hated watching others too. He would be outside on a hot summer’s day, in front of Migelo’s place, watching couples hold hands and show their affections for one another. Vaan didn’t like that he had the best lover in the world and wasn’t allowed to let anyone know about it. And when he was in the confines of the Strahl with the elder, away from prying eyes, he still didn’t get the attention he so desperately craved from the other. It only made him cry, the fact that he was so hopelessly in love with the other that he took what little the other gave him. It was an endless dance the two did.

"Welcome to what’s been the worst day of my life  
Beating from the chains and laughing till I cry  
I’ll rub the tears from out of my eyes  
And kick it from this dancing carnival

I’m done wanting to be “Just anyone but me”  
If I couldn’t burn then maybe I can gleam  
I’ll say goodbye but why not let it last the night?  
Blaze through the dark like hell, this carnival."

There was hope in the sunlight the morning brought, however. When the rain clears, his feelings are swept away in the stream of people around him. The lack of natural light caused depression amongst the multitude anyhow, maybe that’s why Vaan felt so bad? It could be a possibility. 

"Sooner or later all the night melts away  
Pouring the sunshine all over, other worlds never closer  
Speaking of dreams that make your life living hell  
I guess I’m one as well but time will tell"

And it finally hit him to just give up on Balthier. He tried so hard, though it wasn’t easy. Every night since he realized his feelings for the other, he told himself repeatedly that the other didn’t love him to loosen his own pain.

"Done my scheming and my plotting alright  
All the hearts that I played got played back  
So I’m finally giving in and letting go  
Throw them down, we’re starting up my last show"

And it was Balthier who encouraged him to pursue being a sky pirate, though he dreamed about it for a long time before. He couldn’t throw that away, it meant too much to him.

"They shoot across the sky as if they wanna fly  
Grab one in my hand, at least I gotta try  
Then maybe I can force it to hear  
And grant my wish, just one for real

From Yokohama skies to Tokyo, stars align  
Close enough to taste but still too far to find  
I wait for the sun to come and fill my world with light  
It dances with no end, this carnival"

Vaan couldn’t let go of Balthier, no matter how much he tried. He loved him so deeply it hurt, but that type of pain can’t just be walked away from. It was stupid, letting his own desires get the better of him, but love can be stupid. But he was fine accepting the consequences of it.

"Welcome to what’s been the worst day of my life  
Beating from the chains and laughing till I cry  
I’ll rub the tears from out of my eyes  
And kick it from this dancing carnival

I’m done wanting to be “Just anyone but me”  
If I couldn’t burn then maybe I can gleam  
I’ll say goodbye but why not let it last the night?  
Blaze through the dark like hell, this carnival"


End file.
